blargh! its one of those days. have to take this out somehow! i havent written a blog in so long. so waht has been up with me? in short nothing! lolz. blah. ima right this tomorrow. done……God help me or else ima go crazy..
weeks before the birthday and this shit comes up. like seriously? your mad at me for being mad at you? wow..okay lets analyze this for a second. first you lied to me of who you were talking too telling me that it was no one. i asked you again. and you said no one. right in my face your making a fool out of me. i told you the very thing i hate the most is being made a fool out off! weve had a huge fight over this in the past yet you have not learned your lesson. you said mistakes are only good if you come with something from them. i dont even care who it is. your ex a friend i dont freakin care. its the fact that you hide these things from me! thats what hurt the most. of course ill be a little concern if you start talking to one of your exs i mean who wouldnt. you had a thing with them and now your friends. if you had showed me that i have nothing to worry about then ill end up believing you. but no! you make it a big deal. a person is only hiding something when they know they are doing something wrong. your making me feel like i dont have the right to be mad. then you call me selfish. you want to have friends? im not stopping you all my concern is if they are just friends why would you hide them from me? you told me that i wasnt worth your trust once and i did my best to prove to you. do you know how much that hurt? for someone to tell you in your face that your not worth their trust. but i didnt say anything. i proved to you that i am worth it. that im a girl different from your other girlfriends. that i would willingly change for you because i want you to be happy. i also proved to you that i can make you happy and i can help you. the things i said i was gonna do i did. the things you said that put me down i used it so that i can be better for you. and although they hurt like hell i know that its what you feel and its my job to change my ways. and i have. im not the same mel you fell inlove with. better. more understanding. more caring. more loving. the things that i dont even know i have is surfacing because of you. because you push me to be better. but just the things you said. it made me question if im the right one for you . because what you said wasnt a woman you wonld want to be with. im becoming the woman you want even better. when it comes to you im always wrong. its always my fault. you never wanna admit that your wrong. thats why you get mad at me to cover it all up. to make me feel bad because im mad. you break me every piece of me. and when im finally trying to make it whole again you break me again. again and again. when all the walls are down. when my love for you is growing more and more, when all my hope is up and im believing. you pull me back again, and prove to me that i shouldnt. when im finally ready to touch you, you slap my hand and it makes me scared and pull back. ive expressed what i feel im probably gonna cry some more. but this will be the last time i will talk about this. things will unfold by themselves. we’ll see how everything goes this couple of days. its funny because my horoscope said that someone will trigger the change in you. i think this is the change its talking about. im changing. and im not gonna stop it. my love for you will stay the same but there are some things that im not gonna argue with you about. i dont hold your life. you are free to do what you want. ill always be here. if you choose to not tell me things, its okay. it will be hard but i will get used to it. as i said before its not the friends that you talk to im concern about its the fact that you hide them from me. your friends are your friends. what you make out of them is yours only. i will love you no matter what. again im sorry. im sorry if im being too controlling of your life. i dont want you to be choked. dont worry ill always care. i forgive you, this will be the last that you hear me complain about this again. i love you.
wow. i havent written in awhile. well just to let you guys upadated. so yeah. what else have i been up too? first and foremost family. family has been doing really good. although faced with struggles my and family and i have stick together and continuously praising the lord for what he has given us and what he will continue to give. through this years we have grown together aswell. probably because im hardly at home and because i am growing up and i dont think and act the way i use too. things will deffinately change when a special blessing comes along. to tell you the truth at first i didnt like the idea. being the only child had its benefits and although im in the adult age i still crave for my parents love and affection. you can say i was acting selfish, thinking only about myself, but as days went by i have grown on appreciatting the thought of having another sibling. at some point i wanted one. but i wished my parents didnt wait so long but then it wasnt the right time yet. so right now im waiting for our special blessing to come along! moving on, spritually, im getting back in track i have been slacking off alot, but i thought its time to go back. im gonna find a way to go to church every now and then. i have been going to alot of bible study. its nice to hear the word of God again. on to life, well right now im in the process of changing. changing because its about time. i have alot to work on, but ill work on them one at a time. im glad that after all the struggle im standing up again and choosing to live life the way im suppose to. im very happy the way things are right now. and im praying that it continuously stays on this path. and i thank all the people around me who keeps loving and supporting me. i thank my cousin who showed me what i should do. thanks cuz. and him for giving the best advice always. moving to love. love has been good. were back together now. weve hit a few snags here and there. alot of tears and hurtfull words. but at the same time theres also alot of laughters and smiles. alot of kisses and hugs. im also praying that it improves. we have alot to work on as a couple. i hope we can be comfortable trusting and loving years from now. his eyes still show some feelings hidden. although it breaks my heart. i know im doing my part. at least i know this time im not loosing myself. it would be nice to hear his part and what he feels truly. i wish he can tell me whats on his mind. doesnt have to cover up to make me feel better. although he says that i have all of him. i dont think i do. i think a part of him is still scared and is still holding back some things because he also doesnt want to get hurt. a part of him still thinks that were not gonna work out and one day one of us is going to leave. i think it has crossed his mind to leave but is scared to tell me. scared to feel weak infront of me because i expect him to be the strong one. and when i see that he thinks that im gonna look at him differently. or the fact that im not able to support him when his weak. because all his thinkin about is me? i am though. i am strong. i can carry him when his weak. i show my weakness but that doesnt mean that i cant support him when he needs me. he doesnt have to go and ask someone else. i can also offer my help, but i guess i havent proven him yet that i can. i want to show him, but hopefully my ways would be enough. it broke my heart that he talked to megan, thats because i know the reason why. he wants to save her and wants to help her. what right do i have to take that away from him? but on the other hand i know we’ll develop some problems along the way, because his attention will transfer to her. and although he says that its not gonna happen i know it will. a mans emotion can be easily swayed and be manipulated by women. just because he says his unlike any other guy there are still traits he has because he is a guy. and no matter how much he refuses it, it will happen. i felt cheated on really, it broke me to pieces and still recovering from it. i just hope and pray he doesnt do it again. i saw her message to him and i know he still thinks about it till this day. what man wouldnt want someone like that. someone who praises the floor he walks in. he’s her life. althought it has been said and done a gut feeling in me says that this will not be the end of it. she will once again walk back in his life. i dont know what she really is like but from what i have heard we have some similarities. but if it takes my whole life to prove that im not or anything close to her then i will. i dont want to be like her. not even close. that when you look at her and me were totally opposite. if he wants a girl he always wants to rescue and always depending on him, cant live without him, a girl like her, then i will gladly step out of his life. but if he wants me as he said he does, ill give him everything that he ask for. i will be the best girlfriend he has ever had. i dont care if im trying to hard at least he’ll know that i do love him. that even if things dont work out ill leave a mark in his life and one of the biggest ones too. this is how i feel. if i dont say it its gonna eat me up inside. i feel better now. 
after everything i know i gave it my all i did my best i loved fully and i wont regret a thing because i chose and this is what i choose. to love him….
remember who loves you most. remember that when all else fails and people disappoint you theres one who wont. the tree who hold my thoughts and my very feeling. the tree who comforts me and gives me the best advice. that at times like these i run to him because i dont know where else to go. i should reserve a day where me and him just talk. where i would just listen to him what he has to say. i watched a good movie the other night and i must say it was the right movie for me. it seems like his speaking to me. not everything that you see in front of you is of God. i really thought that it was, but then again i didnt pray before i went it. prayer does come a long way. where is my prayer life? what happened to my faith? im so caught up with everything else my situations my heart aches that i did not pay attention to the one who loves me most. do i only go to him when times are tough? that when im happy and stress free i forget. that is unfair to the one who has always been there. i cant think of anyone who matches up with what he has done for me. without him i dont think i will have this strength that im pulling out now. no its not my strength but his strength given to me. it is his peace that im feeling, it is his love and care that i feel in these times. the tree really knows how to help you when you cry out to him. he knows just what to do to cheer you up. im glad i have the tree to fall back on. im glad i have the tree to trust where i myself is lacking. what beauty it is that im created by his own image. that i have the power to create, the power to change and the power to heal. but i take no glory for everything is to him. i know that when everything goes wrong i know his the first one to tell me whats right. he believes in what i do and what i can become. he puts up with me no matter how much ive hurt him. and i know he wont leave. i know he wont fail me. i dont want to use him as a tool to be used only when needed. i want him to be my father, savior, healer, everything in my life. without him i am nothing. there is a part of me where he and only him can fill it. he gives me love, piece inner joy, spirtually high, mentaly stable, comfort that nothing in this world can be compared too. its different when you know you have the tree to protect you. that no matter where you are or where your going the tree is always watching over you. im glad the i found the tree.
i will be still and know you are God.
my God is an awesome God he reigns from heaven and earth.
i am beating myself down on this. sigh. what can i do? my mom is literrary dont want to get involve in this. i dont know, i wanna cry but whats that gonna do. is that gonna change the fact that they have nothing. i feel like i dont have the right to have fun or to be happy. tree i dont know what to do. stupid me i should just leave it up to you. i miss them very much and i wish i can lessen the pain that they experience. they dont even call anymore because theyre probably embarass. how depressing can it be? it breaks my heart thinking about it. i dont understand my moms reasoning, maybe at some point i do but would you watch them suffer. havent they learned their lesson? if they hadnt done what they did would it make a difference? yes it would. why didnt they think of the future? of whats gonna happen to them. im mad for what they did because the effect if on their kids, but more to being mad is sympathy. sympathy because they dont have what i have. have they made the right decision they wouldnt be sufferring right now. but what is done is done and there is nothing we can do about it. i will probably sound stupid right now but lets just say im talking to myself instead of them, because what im gonna tell them applies to me to. okay here it goes. so why do you feel sorry for yourself, asking and wishing things will change? why do you put yourself down to the point of no return. why must you think that the world is unfair yet the only thing youve got is the world to work with. why do you carry such a burden in your heart when you know that you yourself can change it. why cant you realize that you are the answer to your questions. how can i change the situation? by changing me, how do you change yourself, by changing what i do, how do you change what you do? by changing how i act? how do you change how you act? by changing how you think? and how do you change how to think? well that comes with practice. to practice everyday that every thing you think about comes to surface. that whatever it maybe one time or the other, it will show up no matter how negative or positve it might be. so with this knowledge. what is stopping you from changing your life? from having what you want? what keeps that desire burning. i believe everyone of us have desires dreams and goals. they just dont come to place because they are clouded and put down by the things in the world, the things we say the situation we are in circumstances the things we see and and hear even the things we talk about. its sad how people just give up their dream and move on with life, not finding true happiness in what they do. they think that because of where, what they are in its impossible to achieve it. but i have heard so many great stories, famous people, who at once was surrounded by negativity. take abraham lincoln a great president of all time, but youd never guessed that once in his life he was discouraged. his wife and kids died from a disease, i believe he ran 5 times and lost, but finally he achieved his goal. his desire and dream. another great example is alexander graham bell. now this man invented the telephone, but also should not be all the reason why this man is recognized. he should be recognized for his desire to achieve, his desire to keep going, his desire to see the price. if we all could be a thomas jefferson or an abraham lincoln inside. i wonder what each of us can do. i bet we can do more things human mind cant even begin to grasp. how can we keep the fire burning no matter what the circumstances? this i learned from the secret. you have to surround yourself with the things you desire. surround yourself with pictures or anything that makes you think of that very thing. second you have to focus. focus on it, think about it everyday see it in your hands, a great man once told me that you have to pretend what you want to become or have. and i do agree with him. you have to visualize yourself doing or being in that situation having that situation. the third is feel, feel what its like to have it in your hands. feel the emotion your going to have upon receiving it. thirdly is act. if you dont act upon it the feeling visualizing and reminding will all go to waste. you will attract the things you want if you want it bad enough, but if you dont act upon it you will never have. now its nice to attract the things you want but having it is probably way sweeter. so i tell you now self. if you dont act when the oppurtunity is there, you wont go anywhere. i hope we solved some issues here. and that is all my thoughts for tonight..
took me about 12 hours wait probaby less than that to contemplating wether i should write this blog or not, spend about 30 minutes on what i should put and a second for the emotions to come back once again. ahhh!!!!thats a mild version of how i feel, if i can scream right now i would. but the fault is on me, why you say? its because i let it eat me inside, i let it get to me, and its like a poison slowly killing me. so what is it that bothers me and makes me lose sleep? yes its her, the thought of her make me cringe and the slightest idea of her makes me hate her even more. i dont know wether i should feel sorry for her or beat the hell out of her. its making me mad even writing a blog about her, because once again a girlfriend of his is affected by her. i dont want to be like that, i want to understand her better, what her purpose is. she seems nice, maybe if we arent tangled like this i can be her friend, but its too late for that, she has affected my emotions in a bad way that i can never look at her with friendship in mind but a mere enemy. a person i will beg not to see anywhere because i dont know what i will do. why self do you let her get to you? because at some point we are connected we have both loved the same person, how can i blame her for loving? loving someone is not a sin yet a privelage. how can i treat her as my enemy if all she did was follow her heart? i shouldnt hate her because i felt how she felt, i know how she feels. at the beginning of this blog i was angry but right now all i can feel is sympathy. sympathy that what she wished for and longed and once she had is now in someone else’s arm. that the words that person once said to her is being given to someone else. the eyes that looked at her with love and care now looks at another. now i feel like i know her, even though not once have we talked. we have both been hurt, we have both been left and was taken back again and again. we both took a part of his heart. if he had chosen you i would probably be in your situation, unlike you i dont have a clark that i can fall back too. at some point i feel he will take you back like he did before, because i did it to him. you see i think we 2 are the only ones he comes back to. we both in some weird way affect him the same. we both bring out the emotion that he hides. we both know his buttons and how to set him off. how to woo him back once again in our lives. but the difference between us is that i loved him more. and that is why i won. yet even though i won i felt like my victory is not to be celebrated because you did not compete. i won because i was the one left, why didnt you fight for him? if you love him you should have fought for him, maybe then i if i did win it would be a sweet victory for i know i have most of his heart. but no, the fact of the matter is that you gave up. you see your special because not once did he chase for me, not once did he go up to my house and apologize, not once did he send me flowers to school. i think at some point he loved you more. at some point he thought of you and him in the future together. at some point you had his whole heart. it made me think, if i hadnt chased him once again, you two should be happy together. i almost feel guilty being with him because the thought of you comes up. that if you hear what he says to me you will get hurt, that you will cry, you will think back at the times you and him shared the same memories. he is one of a kind isnt he? he sure makes you feel special, he has his way of words. he can sweep you off your feet. but once you never thought you would fall for him and yet you did or maybe you did think but never thought it would really happen, i dont know. i am somewhat jealous of you to be honest, and although you are no logner that close to him, my heart feels that he will come running back to you once again. that he will seek for your love once again. thats why its unfair that you didnt figth for him for our duel wasnt fair not fair at all. but i thank you that a part of who he is and what makes him special is because you took part in his life that he wouldnt be him now if you werent there. im so bitten down right now that im ready to give him to you because you deserve him more than i do. why do i give up now you say? well i dawned on me that you didnt get your chance. i want him to come back to you to see if you still have that effect on him that even a slight pinch that touches his heart when he sees you i am willing to give him up. not because i dont love him, its because if i cant have his whole heart id rather not have him at all. if he had told me that he had feelings for you 2 months ago, i would have raised my white flag and let him be. but thats the thing at that time he didnt because he was fighting feelings, the girl who he could never have and the girl who loves him. in the end he chose the girl who loves him. i wonder just wonder if we both loved him or i should say if we both showed interest in being with him. who would he choose? i have a weird feeling it would be you. but thats waht hurted me is that he both had us in his hand and who ever doesnt meet the standard he drops. now i feel that im not deserving or better yet not the one he truly loves. im not his hearts true owner but yours. if you tell me that you still love him and want him back i will give him back to you, because he was yours in the first place. i love him enough to let him go and be happy. what now love? should i wait for you to come back to me? is it wrong for me to give you up? is it wrong for me to given you back to her? im sorry for the doubts, sorry for not telling this to you earlier. that after all the chase and effort to be with you i would give up easily because of her. you see thats how i am, if i know i have the slightest chance and i will grab it and go for it, also if i feel that there is apart of your heart that belongs to someone i would give you up. maybe i will be the friend and she will be your hearts true owner. if i hadnt tried to win you over then maybe i will just be your friend. if i had only been contented on being friends and getting myself get rid of the my feelings for you then you wouldve still pursued her. blah, im having a pity party. hehe. um so yeah boo emotions!!blah, at least all of this things bottling up inside is out! boom! here i go again…
Happy Birthday Mom…
just a short blog how i appreciate and love my mom and writing this blog for her. she has truly supported me in many ways. i love how she would tellme stories about me and her when i was still a baby. although we havent spent that much time together, every time we do i treasure it. she does everything she can for me. sometimes its not enough compliments and appreciation, because she deserves more..she becomes more beautiful by the added years. i admire her strength and her determination..she is a great mother, wife, sister, daugther, friend, and worker..this is to you mom and everything you do..i love u..
always your baby girl..
aiza..
i dont know waht to feel anymore..im so confuse. it hurts but i still come back for more..i cant live for some reason. when will i realize that it just wasnt meant to be. he doesnt love u anymore why dont u get that in your head right now. he shows that he doesnt. so why do you still come back to him expecting more than friendship. because i still have some feelings for him. and until i get over it i will always have this feeling. i will always get hurt. its not fair anymore. i mean he gets mad and i say sorry even if sometimes its not my fault anymore. im so scared to get him mad that he’ll just say that i cant do tis anymore and just say bye. lolz. i try my best to make him happy not to be in his other side. gosh..i feel like im trap, i wanna get out but i just dont know how. i just had a breakdown lolz..i really dont what to tell him anything anymore. i constantly wait for him to txt me, always looking over my phone. im crazy…im goin crazy.. and just family in the philippines, im deffinately missin my son, especially now. i need to put this down somewhere. this is eating me up inside. i guess he’ll never really make me happy, his right. i dont want to say his not worth it but the fact that his really not for me. if i can just accept that, by then hopefully, i wont be scared to tell my true feelings, and what i feel, without thinking if he leaves or not. cause by that time, i can finally live without him. i do want to be his friend but i guess im not used to him treating me like a friend. because the care and love in my side is still there. i dont want to come to the point that im so hurt that i would hate him. never in my life have i hated someone, but if this grows bigger i know i will. i dont really know how to deal with this. i wanna move on but i still want him in my life even though its just being friends. lolz. blog can u tell me what to do? it hurts it really does. how he pushes me aside, how he shows that im not important in his life. but i really dont have any right to say anything right? fuck!! i dont want to think anymore. i just want to go to sleep that when i wake up this will all be gone! im putting myself into more trouble. how deep am i going to go until i realize im killin my self..
blah..im tired and done with this…why do i even fucking try?
if you were that easy to forget, i wouldnt have be wasting my time writing this right now…
so what do i want to say? i just want to break this comp so i dont get tempted to view your page.
and everytime i do the pain grows bigger, and when i dont fuck i feel empty…
blah..curse u internet!
its 10 46 right now, when i get up here i have to clean my room and get on my way..
lolz dont know why i said that..im really tired…tired of thinking of you
tired crying, tired of loving u..after all this time i dont understand why you have such a hold of me.
i think its me, not you, i mean seriously we dont even share the same views in life so why?
ill answer that also..its because i have gotten so comfortable with you, that even if we are both very different i have grown accustom of your presence and the feeling that you give me.
what is it that makes me unhappy and you the same?
i dont know…
i really dont fuck i hate being sad i hate feeling depress.
always expecting youd come back to me then end up being disappointed…
what do i need to do to get you out of my mind?
to get over you?
i was fine you know?
like i got by christmas fine then new years, then my job…
then i saw you again…
fuck!!!!!!
why does the world have to do this to me?
i just want to go to sleep, and when i wake up i wont remember anything about you…
you know just erase you in my mind…erase all the memories..
i dont know where im going with this, but i have to put it down somewhere…
i hate loving u!!!!!!!!!!!!
fuck im done with u…
just felt like letting u know what i have been up too. well my christmas was pretty cool i didnt spend it with my family but i did spend it with friends, ate some good food, and got a camera for a present.. lolz.. new years was pretty cool also, didnt spend it with the family again spent it with family friends, lit some fireworks outside their house and skateboarded for the whole morning…
saw my friend go crazy cause her bf broke up with her.. but yeah it was all cool. went to this really nice japanese restaurant its called domo. … its freakin awesome…anyways what else…um yeah with the job thing at first i thought i woulnt keep it but i decided i had to so first day of the year i went for training..oh man! its awesome i love this job! lolz i work on comission but it has really taught me to work hard and reach for my goals…this job changed me alot with dealing with people and becoming a sales lady…im also applying for this next job itpays like 12 dollars for starters then it goes up…lol.. oh yeah i went to new mexico also, ill post some pix here for you to see. it was a meeting for the company…lol you know what else i love about this job? i get to pencil people in!!!!!!!lolz i get a kick out of that, makes me sound like a pro…lolz the only way for me is up lolz so just wanted to tell you that life is treating me well…very well i presume…what else have i been up too? oh yeah, im also going to new york on the 23 its a conference with the big guys of the company…its awesome…im telling you this is the best job i have ever been in, lol i only had subway as my reference so…lol…but anyways…yeah, what else…the things i learned as ive said before alot…im finally achieving the goals i have set… i cant believe it..lolz…im really happy, and …lolz..nways..thats it…hope you have a blasting week.!!!!!oh yeah i sell knives by the way so if your mom needs knives give me a holla! lol i sold over 2000 dollars worth of it in 4 days…not bad for a newbie!lolz…its not great though…you should hear those other people…they sell like 10k in a week…so that got me really inspired you know? if they can do it why cant i? yeah sounds impossible but i believe with a little prayer and a song i can do it.
lolz…i had a longer version but i think this will do…k night.much luv-
